The Glory of Spring

The sun streams across the fields and valleys, sparkling upon the river that ever flows. Its radiant light casts shadows everywhere. They dance and flicker through the trees.

The sky an endless blue is broken by the wisps of clouds. Trees like lace frame the vast expanse. Winter branches reach their knobby fingers toward the infinite azure. The crooked, knotted limbs intertwine against the pristine backdrop to create a feeling of overwhelming awe.

My eyes flit from sight to sight and light upon the wondrous beauty of a golden day.

The air is touched with the dewy fresh, damp green scent of spring. The soil is warming in the beaming sun’s rays, awakening and incubating the plants whose long winter sleep is at long last past. Crocus’ peak their tender heads up from their earthen womb heralding the dawn a new season.

The moss on the trees is vibrant green upon grey and brown and red. The forest floor, a patchwork quilt  of browns and reds and burnt oranges. Last fall’s foliage blankets the ground and permeates the air with a dank and musty odor bringing to mind peaceful tranquility,  a promise of security and continuity in the ever predicatable cycle of life, death, life.

Houses and barns sit welcoming in the warmth of the afternoon. Baking in the sun and emanating comfort from the very boards that comprise them. Their paint worn by the weather, their roofs show signs of wear and tear. Their porches beckon to be sat upon, their yards and gardens cry out to be played in, tended.

People are out everywhere. In their yards and in the towns, they soak up the rejuvenating, redemption of yet another season of life commencing. The promise of abundance and renewal pervades the mood and tantalizes the senses. Spring has sprung to life like a baby born. And I weep sweet soft tears of eternal gratitude, so blessed am I (are we) to experience the glory of life's perpetual grace.

My Time...

Tonight I steal the moments I need to sit quietly by myself. In a softly lit room, I sit in the glow of the computer screen. Knowing that if I take the time to write, I will find something. Something that is hidden somewhere within me that is longing, no insisting to come out. Like a child in winter, cooped up behind closed doors and windows finally getting outside to run and burst and play! When I start these posts I never quite know where they will take me, and yet I start out without a map or a destination and let the thoughts carry me where they will.

I am thinking about time today. How elusive it is really. How we buy it and sell it and earn it and burn it, all the while never really holding it at all. Time is a conceptualization. How we perceive it determines so much of our lives. If we fear time and its confines, we become like proverbial “white rabbits” always late, always running to and fro and never really getting anywhere at all. If we go to the opposite extreme and disregard time, we become nonfunctional, unable to perform within society’s margins.

I struggle with time all the time (pun intended I guess!). Feeling pressured to make the most of my time, to best utilize every second so that I can eventually relax. Later. When everything is finally all done. When the house is clean and the children are played with and stimulated and thoroughly entertained, fed, primped, taught and nurtured… When my chore list is wiped clean and my craft list is at least commenced. When I have exercised, read, watched some quality programming, spent time with friends, loved ones and my husband … When I have baked and cleaned up and enjoyed the fruits of my labors. When I have written something amazing that speaks for my soul and tells the world who I am and what I want to say… Then I can sit back and relax. Then I can really feel the beauty of my life.

The irony is not lost me I assure you. And while I recognize that the time I spend doing all those wonderful things IS THE BEAUTY of my life, still I sometimes forget. I forget to be in the moment, whether that moment consists of gratifying experiences or tedious ones. I would do well to remember that this moment, right now really IS all I will ever have. Does that mean I should blow off the dishes in order to listen to Pandora and write a thought provoking blog? Or miss dinner on one of my few nights off in order to go to yoga and satisfy my own selfish need for space? Does that mean I should shut myself in my bedroom, read, take a walk, a drive, a shower in order to reclaim my time? Does it mean I should laugh and play and romp about with my children even though we all have multiple things that could (should?) get done? Does it mean I schedule dates with my friends and insist that we make time to connect? Does it mean that I give my husband my undivided attention and listen to him tell me what he’s been thinking about today?

Yes. Irrevocably, the answer to all these questions is YES. Time is a fickle friend. But I need to reconnect with her on a new and more adjusted level. I am tired of chasing my tail and feeling like I always come up short. I will write when I can. Play when I wish. Work when I must. Cook when I will. Live while I’m living and recognize the profundity of each day’s moments. I will celebrate time in all of its infinite glory and make the most of it while it’s mine to make. I will sing, laugh, dance, share, learn, hope, cry, give, and LOVE my moments away! The time that has been bestowed upon me will not be wasted. My life is my legacy, my history my story and I intend to live it fully, with presence and gratitude every second of every day. Except when I don’t. When I forget and find myself caught in the web of “have tos” and “must dos” I will come back and remember that at least for tonight I found it. That place where I know that everything I do is lucrative and creative, and unequivocally mine. That I needn’t fight for my time. It’s mine and it always has been. And so, being mine, it is my great pleasure to share it with you.

-Love.

Making friends...

Moving away from “home”, not once but twice in my life, taught me so much about who I am. It showed me that to be “me” away from all the preconceived notions and opinions about who I had always been, I had to decide for myself just who that person is. When not surrounded by those who had formed solid impressions of my role in their reality, I was faced with the challenge of creating my own existence, my own reality.

The funny thing about it is for all of the security and comfort that comes from being “home”, there was also always a stigma attached to who I was in relation to my environment. Who I was in school, who I was in that small town microcosmic universe. What mother was I? What friend? What person??? There are an infinite number of childhood insecurities that accompany us into adulthood. Being tossed out of my comfort zone and forced to face those insecurities head on was/is one of the most extraordinarily cathartic experiences I have had to date.

Meeting new people, making new friends, finding common ground in uncommon situations taught  me to see the commonalities we all share as human beings. It helped me to recognize that EVERYONE feels inadequate sometimes. Everyone feels pressure to live up to some imaginary idea of normal. We all question our thoughts, our choices, our beliefs and our desires… Is it alright that I am this way or that way???  Does it matter if I “fit in” with this group or that group? Should I pretend to be something I’m not in order to feel acceptance?

I began to really ponder what matters most to me. What makes me happy and what I can do without. What I found is a sense of “soul” integrity. A wealth of internal knowledge about just who I truly am, and more important, who I am not. I moved back to “small town USA” with a newfound confidence in my capacity to relate to others from that place within myself where I connect with them. That place in which I realize that we are not so different after all and that all the external preoccupations are simple distractions from the truth. That behind all the status symbols and fashion trends, behind the money debauchery, and class distinctions, we are all the same. We all want the same thing. To love and be loved.

Making new friends has become almost like a benign and joyful addiction of mine. Connecting with others at a deep and meaningful level, letting people see me as fallible and alright with that, is like a badge of honor. I feel like I have figured out a great mystery. I have discovered a wealth of compassionate reciprocation. And truth be told my interactions on the whole are 99% of the time rewarding and pleasant. Seeing the world as an endless opportunity to build heartfelt relations is exhilarating and feels truly rewarding and purposeful. I am a friend. I am your friend!

-Love.

Wrestling

For some reason this week has been a struggle for me. I have had a lot of time off, (which should give me a sense of satisfaction) and yet I have felt all week long like my time is too short and I am always pressed! Responsibilities loom, darkening my mood and creating friction during what should be (could be?) peaceful “at home time”. Even baking didn’t help! And baking ALWAYS helps! (Though the pumpkin bread did turn out delicious! If I do say so myself! J)

I just want…                                             

A (relatively) clean house with no food or spills or dirt lying around... (BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!)

To feel motivated instead of resentful…

To be organized…

Quality down time that feels restorative…

Space to develop my private thoughts and resolve my unrest…

Time to write, to walk, to do yoga and connect with friends…

To give and receive much needed understanding

To help others…

To feel joyful and appreciative…

To be present in the time that I have…

To break down this mental wall that holds me back from loving life in this moment AS IT IS…

To stop needing things to be/feel different in order to find serenity…

To feel proud of myself and recognize my efforts…

PATIENCE!!!

To be lighthearted, and exuberant…

To love life!

I write this wondering if I should share. It’s not inspiring or uplifting. It’s just plain true. I struggle. I fret. I get bogged down in the day to day and I have to work at keeping my thoughts positive. I get tired, and crabby (read: Bitchy) and frustrated! I am human, and oh, how I wrestle with that! Some days I feel like life just pins me to the mat and won’t let me up for air. I trip over my own efforts to “get over it”, and I get peeved at myself for letting it get to me!

So there. Now you know. I’m having a day. (week?) And I may “get over it” tomorrow, or even later this afternoon. But for now, I am feeling pissy and am trying hard to remember just how beautiful my life truly is and how incredibly blessed I am today.

-Love

Bittersweet Passage of Time...

If I could muster the energy to write something worthwhile tonight, I’d have to tell you all just how awe struck I find myself at random times with the exquisite beauty of life. I am literally moved to tears just driving along, or nonchalantly watching a family interact at the park.
It’s as if for some reason I am acutely aware of the fleeting splendor of life on Earth. A deep, soulful comprehension of impermanence has awakened within my heart.

Tonight I held my children, each in turn. I sang them bedtime songs (even the 12 year old)… I kissed their heads and held their hands, I breathed their sweet essence deep into my being. And I choked up at how quickly time passes. How if you so much as blink, years have passed and left you feeling, for lack of a better word, stunned.  I think back to just two short years ago, to a time when I was still juggling a toddler and a preschooler… I was so in the moment, every second of every day was a hands on exercise in presence, and yet somehow those moments escaped me and have drifted off into the elusive place known as past. Those times were hard, and I struggled, but I also felt so alive! I had a clearly defined purpose! To make it through the day! J

My baby is now a preschooler, my oldest a soon to be middle school student. I am flabbergasted by the sheer force of time and how it trudges on through all of life’s trials and tribulations. “This too shall pass” has helped me through many a long, tear soaked night, but its meaning has taken on a new connotation. There is a bitter sweetness to the concept now. The knowledge that “this too SHALL pass” and that we are forever marching forward with no way to slow or stall the inevitable passing of time is both inspiring and hauntingly pointed.

I am compelled more than ever to BE HERE NOW. To feel completely submerged in my present experience; moved not to waste my time and energy projecting fear or concern into the future; relinquishing remorseful thinking, not wasting my precious resources clinging to the past.  I feel challenged by my comprehension to up the ante so to speak… To re-up my efforts and become ever more attentive… more present… more appreciative… and more aware of myself and my moments as they are happening.

Time is devious. Cherish your moments. Joy is contagious. Offer your joyful exuberance to the universe and reap infinite joy in return! Forgiveness is healing. Forgive yourself and others with a compassionate heart. Grace is redeeming. Be graceful in your thoughts and actions. Gratitude is transformational. Be grateful for all things. Love is limitless. Give and receive love unconditionally. Life is precious. Live fully and with true reverence!

-Love.