The Mother in me...

For as long as I can remember I’ve been mothering. It was something I did instinctively. As a child I often sought out younger children to mentor, and encourage, pets to care for, and situations in which I could play “mother”.  At the ripe old age of five the universe (and my parents) conspired to give me two siblings within a year; two adorable, beautiful, perfect little babies to love. I honed my nurturing skills upon these two little people every chance I got. By the time I was twelve, I had four more little siblings. I was adept at changing diapers, rocking fussy babies, playing make believe, and pushing a stroller; singing children’s songs, bottle and spoon feeding, bath time, and telling elaborate bedtime stories. In the five years that followed I became “big sister” twice more, making a grand total of seven brothers and sisters spread out across the vast expanse that was my respective parents’ love lives.

Throughout adolescence I often befriended people who needed reassurance and love. I was usually the caretaker. The proverbial “older sister” figure. I donned that hat and I guess it fit. Even when I had relationships with people who were older and perhaps wiser than me, I instinctively brought a sense of supportive security to the equation.

Now as a mother to my own children, I see how all of that experience compiled to prepare me for this journey. When we are young we don’t always understand why we have the experiences we do, however a little hindsight can bring things into perspective. I cut my mothering teeth on the trials and tribulations of having a hand in the upbringing of many little siblings, needy friends, and even adults who needed my care in their own wayward ways.

In true mothering style I still offer advice, unconditional love and support; honest, constructive criticism, and heartfelt compassion to those who are close to me. I am best friend and confidante to many, big sister to some, love to others, and mom to a few. But I am also more (and less) than this image I convey to the world. I am needy and insecure sometimes. I question myself, my capabilities, and my identity. I often wonder whether or not I am qualified to offer any of these things to others. It is then that I remind myself that what you give so too shall you receive. And I redouble my efforts to be the best nurturer I can be; to love unconditionally, to forgive, and to see the beauty in everyday experience. To encourage, entrust, and assure. To proffer love and support to all those I have the honor to know; myself included. I believe this is why I am here on this earth. This is my path. Though it may wind through dark and stormy emotional snares and entanglements, ultimately it is leading me to the light of fulfillment.

Love.

This a.m.

I woke today just moments before the children. Before I heard Emma’s bedroom door open down the hall, and Abbie’s voice begin to beckon… I woke feeling already put upon. Which of course immediately led into self defeating remorse for feeling negative upon waking and tainting the day with my crummy attitude.

 I knew that it was about to begin; the endless, thankless, barrage of wants, needs, bickering arguments, trials and crisis. I had missed that hallowed opportunity to collect myself in the silence before the day begins. Seconds after I became aware of my conscious thoughts I heard them. The starting gun had fired and I was not ready to race. I took a deep breath and reminded myself that I can choose my reactions; that I needn’t feel tired and tried, that I can be light and joyful, exuberant even… My inner cynic laughed at these thoughts and mentally kicked me for being so naïve. I kicked back weakly and wrestled with feelings of self loathing.

I swallowed the lump rising in my clenched throat and threw the covers off. I went to get Abigail from her crib to the tune of her bellowing at the top of her lungs “MOOOOOOM!” Not once, or twice… but continually until I got there to retrieve her. I thought once again that it is time to get her that big girl bed. Maybe today…  Being demanded at 5:50 a.m. sets the precedent for the day, and it is rarely an enjoyable experience. Of course if she has that “big girl” bed, there will be the evening hassle to consider. Will she stay put at bedtime or will I trade early morning demands for evening escapes?

I put Abbie on the floor, passed Emma in the hall and trudged back to the warmth of my coveted bed. I heard my husband breathing quietly and momentarily resented him the luxury to linger in the solitary confinement long after we would begin to face this day. The girls were hot on my heels and they climbed over and on top of me into the cozy comfort. Elbows and knees dug into my body, my hair was being pulled, and my pillow had been confiscated. Cold little feet pressed against my bare legs. Sweet little heads nuzzled into my face and I had a split second of bliss breathing in the clean scent of their corn silk hair.  Then Abbie began to cough, just the remnants of the latest cold which rears its ugly head in the early morning. I sent her out to get her water from the other room. And begrudgingly accepted the fact that snuggle time was over. The day was off and I had better get a move on if I hoped to keep up.

I took a deep breath, braced myself for the obstacles that were certain to come. Climbed out of bed and began to put on my layers of morning attire. I rounded up the crying, scratching cats, herded Abbie out and shut the door behind me. Emma stayed in bed with her Daddy for a little while longer. As I took my first sip of coffee I tried to remind myself that grace isn’t always easy, the days that challenge us are necessary to help us appreciate life’s wonderful moments. I kindly afforded myself the excuse of being human, that perfectly imperfect state of existence.

Love.

If Only...

If only I could impart to you the desire I possess to express the raw and untamed beauty which is life. To describe the intimate details and share with you the nuances and divine subtleties which pave our very path from birth to death.

If only my words had the power to invoke the sweetest, saddest, truest, loveliest feelings that subsist. If I could paint for you a picture with my words, swept like brush upon canvas, my thoughts might conjure a landscape of infinite intricacies. The colors beyond description would entice and intrigue your mind igniting all manner of heartfelt reflection.

If only I could depict the joy and wonder, the simplest moments bring. The sound of crickets chirping, the smell of summer evenings, the pleasure of belly laughs, the sight of fireflies and rainbows, the twinkling of an unclouded night, the delicate, papery, softness of an elderly loved one’s hand, the reassurance of a comforting embrace, the cool, sweet, creamy goodness of ice cream or the soft, supple feel of whispered kisses upon a baby’s tender brow. Remarkably exquisite details captured for your consideration. Set upon display within your own imagination; bathed in a lyrical light, causing their very ordinariness to appear extraordinary.

If only I could capture the magic and share it with you. To be capable for even just one inspired moment, an instant, to bring the unadulterated magnitude of human existence and experience to you and afford you an intimate glimpse into this mystical enigma that we call life.

If only my modest talent were so endowed; I would know a sense of fulfillment and peaceful composure. I would be a little bit closer to the universe and its vastness, and so too would you.

-Love.

Facing Fear...

“There is nothing to fear but fear itself.”- FDR

Have wiser words ever been uttered? And why is it that we spend so much of our lives riddled with fear? Fear of rejection, fear of loss, fear of ridicule, fear of disappointment, fear of judgment, fear of failure… We have all experienced these hard to face anxieties at one time or another and we have endured, perhaps even flourished in the face of this begrudging force.  The very things we allow to hold us back from our full potential and cause us to shake in our shoes are actually meant to propel us forward. Risk often offers great reward.

We struggle with our inner doubts and fears. We project them into our physical reality as hurdles, challenges, and roadblocks. Fear is a paralyzing entity. It undermines the most well endowed efforts of creativity. Fear holds your spirit in stagnation and prevents growth.  One who won’t dare to fail can never hope to succeed.  Life isn’t meant to frighten us. We live… We die.... Our time here is limited by design. Why then would we spend that time putting unnecessary limits upon ourselves? Living in a confined space of false security, hiding from our own insecurities, eliminating the prospect of failure by refusing to set out and try; selling ourselves short of our potential in exchange for some artificial semblance of sanctuary?

When we are brave enough to put ourselves out there, we begin to develop our true potentials. When we are not bound by fear of the unknown we open up unlimited venues of possibility. Life is simple really. It is an opportunity to embrace the full range of physical, creative and emotional experience and to fulfill our spirit’s wildest imaginings. Finding the courage to be the people we hope to be. Having the resolve to live up to our dreams and allowing them to carry us through fear and doubt, safely into the future of our own highest design. Like a raging river current which ultimately leads home to the sea, we travel through this turbulent existence and if we are lucky… Very, very lucky we realize sooner rather than later just what brings us joy and satisfaction, and we take the necessary measures to live that truth.

Love.

The Blanket...

I’m knitting a blanket…

 A warm, snuggly, cozy blanket. I’m filling each row of stitches with love and feelings of comfort, peace, and joy. I am making an assertive effort to think positive thoughts each time I wrap the yarn around the needle and slip it through the loop. Every stitch that passes under my fingers from left to right is a reminder to think of something wonderful. This is going to be a most extraordinary blanket. This project is a practice, a daily meditative practice. It is being entwined with thoughts of abundance and gratitude, inspiration, hope, faith, kindness and love.

There is nothing fancy about it. I am not following a pattern, not even a knit, pearl ribbing. Simply knitting; straight across the board and back again. And again. And again… With a soft, thick, cuddly weight of yarn.  A comforting green/multi- color called Prairie, with flecks of burgundy and blue throughout.  A palette reflective of the earth and Her beauty.

I am using each stitch as a reminder. A momentary call to awareness. To keep my mind from wandering down unwanted thought paths. To use my focus to direct my energy. To instill the power of my imagination into something physical that grows before my eyes, from a ball of string to a useful, functional addition to reality. A literal manifestation of comfort in a world crying out for compassion.

I know it’s just a blanket… But tell me you don’t want to wrap it around you and feel the contentment and love I’ve knit into its very fabric! You know you do. J

Love.

Everyday Messes...

The clutter and color of a life with children…

My house, my days, my life is filled with the most vibrant, vivacious, lively, colorful messes! My walls are plastered with watercolor fairy lands and abstract pictures of the world through the eyes of my little (and not so little) ones. The shelves overflow like a circus of games and puzzles and craft supplies.  There are balloons floating around in corners from a party a week ago. There are pretend cupcakes and cookies and blocks strewn all over the place, all of the time. There are tricycles and scooters.  Princess dresses, tiaras, magic wands, handmade treasures, ribbon clad “presents”, baby dolls, and Barbie dolls, paper flowers, books, little shoes, socks and un-hung masterpieces litter the floors.

I spend a lot of time fighting against the “mess”.  Trying to contain it. Organize it. Control it. Today, I want to embrace the beauty that is right before my eyes. The pleasure and wonder that is captured in a home that has been played in, lived in, loved in.  I have a sign that hangs in my kitchen; a friend gave it to me years ago. It reads:    

Please excuse the noise & mess…the kids are making happy memories.    

Everywhere I look there are reminders of the innocence and imaginings that fill the days of my children; the magic and excitement, the true spirit of liveliness that only children can imbue. Here to allow me to see the magnificence in my everyday challenges and to give me perspective. Perhaps a clean house is not a happy house after all. Perhaps I should spend less time struggling to put it all together and allow it be as it is, a wonderful, unique, glorious tribute to the magic and adventure of childhood, parenthood, life. A whimsical place to laugh, play, learn and love. A home. Our home.     

Love.                                        

Responsibility to Oneself...

When you put your happiness into the hands of another, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

We have been conditioned in our society to believe the delusion that if a person truly loves another they will be able to provide that person with an endless supply of happiness. The truth is we are all responsible for our own happiness. Expectations are like little time bombs, booby-trapping our relationships, ticking away, waiting to detonate.

There are two very important lessons to remember when sharing your life with others, be they your spouse, your children, friends, siblings, parents, etc…

1.      If you want someone to know how you feel about anything, or you want them to behave, respond, react a certain way, you have to tell them! We spend so much energy resenting our loved ones for not “knowing” what we need. We feel unloved, unrecognized, and underappreciated; frustrated that we have to ask. We stew in our own noxious bitterness and poison ourselves with negative thoughts and feelings. How simple it would be to say to someone, “I’d really like if you could do this for me.” Giving our loved ones the opportunity to help us, and please us, rather than setting them up for defeat by keeping our needs to ourselves and holding their lack of psychic abilities against them.

2.      You can not change other people. You can ask. You can explain. You can talk until you are blue in the face, but you can not force change in another person. You can however change your reaction. This is where our true power lies. We have unlimited abilities to change how we deal with every situation we encounter. We can choose. We can become aware of ourselves, our triggers, desires, and underlying issues. We can stop reacting and start creating our lives circumstance by circumstance. We can move beyond blame and into healthy communicative avenues. We can accept responsibility for our own happiness, recognize how our reactions cause our emotional upheaval, and change what isn’t working for us.

These are simple truths. Easily recognizable tools to help us build our experiences into everything we hope they can be. They are hard learned lessons. And many of us may never be able to move out of our own way in order to embrace the idea of personal power through responsibility. Many will stagnate in the misery and disappointment of blame. Seeing themselves forever as victims, holding grudges against the world for their own dysfunction. We do well to remember that feeling unhappiness and disappointment are choices too. Life is a series of choices. Recognizing the power to choose/feel differently is the ultimate power we wield as human beings. Do not give your power away! This requires practice and diligence; awareness and commitment.  It requires a heartfelt desire to truly heal your hurts and help yourself. Personal responsibility is not something to be taken lightly, it is serious business. If we are serious about our own happiness we can start now. Today. Be patient and persistent. Pay attention to our reactions and become aware of ourselves. Give ourselves (and others) the respect, kindness, and validation we wish to receive in life.

Love.