Thursday, October 9, 2014

Some days...

Some days I find myself utterly paralyzed by the insurmountable magnitude of things I must get done. My shortcomings in areas of organization and time management are glaringly evident in the face of my never-ending list of  "have to do's", "need to do's", "want to do's", and "should do's".

Some days I get caught and tangled and hung up in the briars and the brambles and the branches. I trip incessantly over the twisted roots of ineptitudes.
Like a vicious storm, a torrential hurricane sweeps through my mind and scatters about any semblance of competence I may have been gripping. I am knocked off my feet into the groundless, ruthless, abyss of inadequacy.

I am beaten and battered by the deluge of self-doubt and second-guessing.
And much like a turtle in its shell I withdraw and wait for the storm to pass, all the while feeling like I should be some sort of awesome dragon that can beat back that storm with the massive power of my wings and fire breath. Inevitably, I wind up feeling only further diminished by my complete and total lack of power against this ruthless furor.

I peer out through the murky fog of incompetence, out into the thick, dark, stillness that is left after the storm has past. I slowly come out of my shell, ravished and weak. I step tentatively out and find ground where just moments ago there was none. The ground is soft and dense like the stinky, sedentary mud of a swamp. As I make my way shakily forward, I feel myself sinking to the familiar place where the mud is chest deep, pressing in on me, making it impossible to draw full breaths. I begin to tackle my overwhelming mountain of tasks, one at a time as I trudge through the oppressive muck. I feel a little lighter as I begin to climb up the mountain, one task at a time. From chest deep, to waist, to knee... At this point I can see the crystal clear sky of presence and I am reminded that life is not all a swirling storm, followed by a soul sucking trudge through the depths of drudgery. I bask for a moment in the light of the sun and look back at the mountain, which now looks much like a mole hill, made up of inconsequential, over blown details, which were probably never very threatening after all. I breathe a sigh of relief and am overcome by unrelenting gratitude for this moment in which I see, truly see, life as it is and not through some distorted, fear-tainted lens.

And though I know that as weather tends to do, another storm will likely rise again to wreak havoc, I am none the less strengthened by this glimpse of reality, and find comfort in the knowledge that no matter how dark and difficult things appear, the clarity of peace is always right there just waiting for me to find my way out of the chaos.

Monday, September 29, 2014

*WARNING* Spiritual Content- Reader discretion advised

I woke this morning with a thought rattling around. It was one of those nagging thoughts that longs to be lingered upon and carved into some coherent, relatable message. As it began to take form, I was reminded of a biblical passage. I must interrupt here, to extend my sincerest apologies to anyone who might be offended or put off by my talking God-"smack" so early on a Monday morning. I am not a particularly religious person, nor would I generally presume to preach the gospel of Christ. However, if it peaks yours curiosity, it was a passage from the book of Matthew- 7:24-27.

Having set up the premise for my rambling, for those who wish to read on, I offer this for your contemplation...

 Build your house upon the rock. Draw not your strength from the shifting sands of human ego. Be able to let those sands blow around you in whatever storm they conjure, and know that though the winds may be fierce, the solid stone of which you are made can be neither displaced nor destroyed. Remember during moments that threaten to wash you away in a torrent of violent, chaotic, intense emotions, that you cannot be budged. You can confuse yourself with your ego and believe you are being destroyed in the storm, but the truest part of "you", the part which knows itself as an infinite being whose existence is not temporal or physical, will know not but security. If we remember to draw from the source of all strength, the eternal, invincible, rock from which we are forged, we will always endure.

 Every moment gives us an opportunity to call upon the strength of our physical being, our individual, ego based identity, or to call upon the limitless power of that which we are made, the indomitable power of Spirit.

Call it what you will: God. The Holy Spirit. Christ Consciousness. The Tao. Enlightenment. Universal Mind. Dharma. Grace... It all leads to the understanding that we are never lost, but always found. Never in peril, but always undeniably connected to all that is, was or ever will be.

In this truth lies our release from fear. For how can we fear when we know what we are and from whence we came to inhabit this world?

 "Be not afraid." Wiser words may never have been spoken.




Wednesday, August 13, 2014

"Nanu Nanu"

The death of beloved funny man Robin Williams, came as a shock to a world unaccustomed to facing our own capacity for darkness. The fact that it was a suicide makes it all the more confusing and difficult for people to wrap their heads and hearts around.
I have read many thoughtfully written articles and blogs on the subject. One that particularly affected me was written by the ever wiser, Russell Brand... (
Much like Russell, I too have memories of Mr. Williams that reach deep into my youngest childhood. Being in the safety and comfort of my grandmother's house, watching him fanatically. I was obsessed with Mork from Ork. I too, had the pull string doll that talked and came in an egg! He was such a familiar presence in the lives of my generation, very much like a family member. Perhaps that is why it has affected us so much. Or perhaps it is something more. Perhaps it pushes us to recognize suicide in a new and unthought-of way. A way that infiltrates our very hearts and touches us the way only the loss of a loved one can.

I wouldn't dare to speculate about what can cause a person to make such a dire and desperate choice. However, I humbly offer to him, and anyone who suffers in the deep, dark trenches of human sadness, where lie the so-called "demons", just a token of understanding. Be it mental illness, addiction, or just plain sensitivity, many people feel ill equipped to function in this world RIDDLED with suffering. In fact, the sad truth may be that we are all somewhat ill equipped for this experience and the suffering which is the consequence of that, is as old as man-kind itself. It can sometimes overwhelm a person to the point of agony, to the point where even in beauty and joy there is great, heart wrenching pain. When looking upon the face of innocence, or the profound, divinity of love, the sheer wonder of nature, and the cosmic miracle of our very existence, one's heart can be overcome, broken, and quite literally torn apart by the indescribable magnitude, the unfathomable burden of loss, which befalls us to bear.

We, humans have the consciousness to know that our time is temporary, and are eternally faced with the impermanence of this incarnation. Many have found solace in this awareness, but many yet, still suffer greatly over things which are so utterly beyond our ability to control. Could we create a world without war, famine, drought, evil? Yes. Would it be safe from death and loss? No. Human beings are eternally plagued by the truth of this. This is the source of all spiritual seeking. To make some sense of our place in this universe. To understand as much as possible what the point in this temporary trip is.

 Life is beautiful. It is also fleeting. Love while you can, laugh while you can, and live like today is your last day to do so. "Seize the Day!", as Robin Williams taught us all in one of my all time favorite movies. Feel your victories as well as your losses and remember that the depth of darkness we are willing to encounter, is directly proportionate to the height of light we are capable of reaching. Never forget the duality of this universe.

 And please know that no matter where you are on the spectrum of light and dark tonight, you are not alone. We are all in this crazy dream together, spinning on this hunk of rock in outer space.

 Rest In Peace  Mr. Williams.
 "NaNu NaNu"


Thursday, May 1, 2014

Step right up folks!

If I could write my own escape from the prison of my thoughts and doubts... If composing them all neat and tidy, with impeccable articulation, could release me and buy my freedom... I'd drain the world of ink as I scrawled the endless multitudes of mundane existence. I'd wax poetic until my hand curled and cramped around the pen, about the mysteries of life, the beauty of the night, the depth of love and loss, and all that lingers in between to haunt my hours and fill my dreams...
I'd tell you of a tightrope, stretched high above the sands of time, upon which I precariously teeter between two inexplicable extremes, Hope and Despair. As I make my way trepidatiously from here to there, and balance rather wobbly, with outstretched arms to steady me. The winds of change gust and blow and whip my hair around my face, and my performance is riddled with foot slips, close calls, and miracle recoveries. I soldier onward to the frantic tune of circus sideshows taking place far, far beneath my feet. With the Grace of some divine intervention My heart draws me forward. Opening. Filling with confidence, my faith multiplies with every step. And in a profound moment of clarity, I realize that the wire is no longer streched in front of me. I glide along on an invisible thread, finer than silk, made of the breath which breathed life into being, I continue ever gratefully, from this place where I step currently, within the walls of mystery, I am guided through eternity.

Friday, March 21, 2014


When I was a child I was very sensitive.  I cried easily, loved easily, and was quite physically affected by everything. The world was wonderfully, terribly intense. Bright. Vibrant. ALIVE with colors, sounds, and emotions. Some intoxicating, some excruciating. As I grew older I learned (for the sake of survival) to distance myself from this affectedness. I grew strong, thick calluses around my tender places. I learned that being vulnerable in a world full of suffering was dangerous. My heart needed to be protected by an armor so strong it could not be pierced by the hate and tragedy, the sorrow, and overwhelming hopelessness I encountered.

 I dulled my senses. My innate ability to feel-- joy, sorrow, wonder, disappointment, elation, became casualties of a dysfunctional perception. I, (like so many) mistakenly believed that feelings were a sign of weakness and I steadfastly insulated myself against them. In so doing, I also stopped seeing the beauty, the unfathomable depth of meaning which pervades this human existence. I would find myself, as we all do at times, bowled over by the overwhelmingly miraculous nature of reality. Babies were born. Spring came after seemingly endless winters. Kind gestures touched my heart. Relationships were born where before there was none. I found in others that spark of wonder, that genuine kindness that I recognized, and I began to remember. Little by little, Life's gifts and particularly its sorrows disarmed me. My armor was not pierced so much as it was disintegrated. Life touched my tender heart and stirred within me the knowledge that I was created to feel. I cannot deny this purpose.

My spirit increasingly leads me to a place from which I can find strength in vulnerability. I not only remember how it feels to be affected, but I am allowing tenderness to find its way into my heart where it may soften and melt all barriers, to bring me back to my original perfection. Free from the illusion of fear. Safe in the knowledge that true strength lies in Love. Love of life. Love of self. Love of All That Is, Was, or Ever Will Be. We mustn't guard ourselves from that which is. We cannot seek to limit our experience. It is through our total immersion that we liberate ourselves. We are beings born of infinite Divinity. With this knowledge, may we greet Life. Open and whole, without limitations or barriers against the full potential which is our birthright. With no need to protect or shield ourselves, let us swim fearlessly in the vastness of all that is. Succumb to Life's depths and wade playfully as well in the shallows.

Friday, March 7, 2014

Digging for worms...

Relationships are mirrors for the soul. If you find yourself challenged by the reflections you see, you are being given a great gift--the opportunity to recognize where your spirit cries out for your attention.

With compassion, courage, and deep awareness, even the most difficult people (most assuredly those) can become our greatest teachers.

When we seek comfort from people who reflect only what we want to see, we are neglecting a deep seated need for our soul to heal itself. In essence we may be covering over potentially infected wounds with warm and fuzzy bandages. 

 We all want to feel comfortable, but discomfort is not without purpose. Pain is a signal. It is sent to force us into attention. Be it physical, or emotional, ignoring or masking pain is never prudent when it comes to improving our conditions.

If you find yourself suffering in relationship, embrace the opportunity to look deeply into what pain you are bringing to the equation. You can't heal what you won't see. 

Be brave enough to look under your emotional rocks, dig them up, flip them over and grasp the juicy worms of truth that wriggle underneath.
These are the food for your awakening.

Give thanks to those who serve as rocks in your path. Where you stumble, you are being given an opportunity to find an aspect of your being that may be trapped and waiting to be unearthed. 

"Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know." -Pema Chodron


Monday, March 3, 2014


The old woman walked slowly with a cane and a heavy limp. Less of a limp actually as a drag. Her left foot bent in at the ankle making it look odd and drag along the floor as she drew it forward, step after agonizing step. 

She looked so fragile to me as she came through the door of the hospital. The early morning sun streamed through the tall windows and she caught my eye. Her eyes were pale and blue like a tropical sea. Her smile was sweet and tainted with that look of uncertainty that is reserved for the very old and/or the very sick.
For an instant I felt compelled to aid her in whatever way possible. She appeared so alone and vulnerable.

My mind entertained ideas of her in her youth as a strong, vibrant woman. A mother perhaps, who bore children and the weight of the world upon her sturdy, feminine shoulders. 

I was struck by the realities of age and time. I thought of my own grandmothers, both gone now. Their strength. Their presence. Their authoritative wisdom, matched in intensity only by their unprecedented gentleness.

I then let my mind meander on this train of thought, beginning to ponder the significant power of women, of mothers. How our mothers, the creators of life, the very epitomes of strength and vitality, somehow lose their independent, indomitable air and gain a new power. A power so painfully poignant. The power to shift into their own softness. The  pure unadulterated capacity to embrace their own profound vulnerability.  

I sat with this idea playing out in my mind. I sat beside my father whose own vulnerability of late is another story in and of itself. I sat there, being a mother, a daughter, a woman, affected by the very basic realities of human existence. I sat there and I opened to the sorrow and the glory that comes with that depth of understanding. I sat. Contemplative and awe struck. I felt my own heart soften. My willingness to feel was deepened. I was awash in sweet, excruciating appreciation. Alive. However fleeting the sensation, I was  undoubtedly, quite alive this morning.