Thursday, December 1, 2011

"Like Little Children..."

I have been thinking lately that we are all in many ways conditioned as a society to confuse joy with idiocy. Expressing enjoyment of life’s simplest pleasures is far too often seen as simple mindedness. It seems to me that there is some sort of unspoken belief or understanding that being hopeful, happy, or positive is somehow a sign of weakness or at the very least an indication of naivety. People who show the audacity to remain lighthearted in the face of reality are all too often seen as simpletons and ridiculed as those who can’t possibly comprehend the severity of life.
 I believe we are, whether intentionally or by misguided folly, brainwashed to see delight as a debilitation. We struggle so much of the time always wondering why life is so “hard”. We are bred to be fearful, judgmental, cynical consumers. Even those of us who recognize the imminent value in the expression of pure pleasure, tend to see it as childlike and immature, believing on some unconscious level that “grown-ups” aren’t meant to “enjoy” life.  Life is a struggle, a battle, a hurdle to be overcome. 
 In the course of this contemplation I find my mind drawn to a teaching of Jesus Christ. Those who know me know I quote the bible neither lightly nor often. I respect each individual’s right to decide his or her own religious beliefs and would never wish to be seen or heard as one who adheres to or encourages a specific dogma. That having been said, I am finding remnants of long ago learned scriptures to hold infinite amounts of under-utilized truth…
 “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.” –Matthew  18:3.
There are infinite translations but the point is irrefutable. This statement resounds with the truth that we are to embrace our innocence, our joyful natures, our “childlike” instincts, to live, laugh, love with a pureness of being.  Denying not our true nature as creatures who are capable of infinite compassion, appreciation, and pleasure.  
We need to find the hidden strength in joy; the ultimate liberation of mind and spirit that lies just beyond our social/political stigmas. To recognize the power of hope, the immeasurable potential for transformation through simplicity and love is our greatest tool for current evolution. The time has come to value the depth of our human capacity. No longer can we strive merely for material satisfactions and edifices of competition, based upon the unstable misconceptions of might is right, and only the strong survive… We all have a responsibility to reevaluate our existence and to decide just what it means to be a receiver of the gift that is life; and to choose precisely what it is we wish to do with said gift.
This is the very tip of a profound understanding I am only just beginning to develop. I promise to further this concept for your consideration when I have developed a deeper comprehension. For now, let the idea resonate with you and see if it touches that place within you where truth is recognized.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

The Void

I am now the reluctant bearer of a great and vacant void. A place that once was filled with warmth and light… Now hollow. Empty. Where before there was a piece, an element infinitely irreplaceable; now there is an ache.
My heart no longer whole; threatens to collapse under this weight of sorrow. Grief doesn’t begin to describe; this incomprehensible sadness. The longing and mourning… Wishing and missing that preoccupies my mind; tearing at the very fabric of my being.
My memories which both taunt and comfort, haunt my thoughts. Bittersweet reminders every moment. Of love. And life. And joy.
In the absence of her presence I am faced with the melancholic beauty that pervades reality. Assaulted with miraculous perception of divine dichotomy. And drawn ever deeper into love and appreciation.
So grateful am I now for moments nondescript. How eager am I now to impart to those who touch my heart, a bit of that joy… Of love… Of light…
Inspired not to take for granted, but to love wholly and freely. To live fully and blissfully… Cherishing every miraculous moment that is mine to hold with delicacy.
Sharing unselfishly that which was left to me. Knowing irrefutably that the void was never empty. Not really. Only that it has simply opened to make space for more love. Thus, I shall pour my love into that space. And all of the space around me. Committing to love wholeheartedly this life, which is mine temporarily. In reverent honor of one whose example paved the way for me.

I love you Gram. Missing you will be as breathing. Constant, essential, and unfaltering. Until we meet again.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Dawn of Sorrow (poem)

Through suffering my heart breaks
Coercing , preparing, making space
Tears like twinkling stars fall
Through the vast night sky of my awareness
Filling the gaping chasm
A bottomless well of shimmering splendor
Upon which the light of consciousness dances
Reflects and multiplies
Cascading out in a million directions
As sunlight through a prism
Rainbows dance across the walls of my heart
Unfathomable depths of sorrow
Exemplifying the unbearably beautiful joy of being
My mind
Clear as crystal
That love and loss are two sides of the same token
Never apart
Nothing is separate
Realization dawns
A sunrise upon the darkened valley of my soul

Saturday, October 8, 2011


I must confess I am encouraged to see people beginning to acknowledge the extent of global crisis we face as a society of human beings at this pivotal point in history.  It will inarguably take mass quantities of people deciding to choose differently, before real change can find its way into our daily lives. However, I am a bit concerned with the negative connotations attached to the very concept of protest. What is the opposite of protest? Support? Encourage? Attest? Promote?
People should be staging  PROMOTIONS (or ATTESTS?):  Gatherings of like -minded individuals who share a desire to improve the state of BE-ing upon this planet. Assemblies of people expressing our heartfelt support for and belief in love, peace, kindness, unity, equality, sustainability, tolerance, compassionate living, human potential, the connectivity of all things, respect for nature, and reverence for life in all of its awe-inspiring diversity and endless splendor.
Harboring or worse yet, encouraging an “us against them” mentality is detrimental to progress. Human beings can institute real change by supporting the basic ideals for a new way of living, rather than attacking the current system. Resisting will inevitably create more resistance, friction and conflict. Persisting on the other hand, through creative expressions of cooperation could help us move smoothly from one place to the next in this seemingly unavoidable evolutionary journey. How do we wish to proceed? How do we intend to give birth to this new era? Will it be through struggle, pain and fear? Or, will we cultivate our best qualities to face the uncharted days to come with resolve, compassion, faith, and courageous examples of human strength, perseverance and integrity? We all have a stake in this, and we all have decisions to make regarding the means by which we progress from here.

Saturday, October 1, 2011


There is a conceptual belief that the universe, everything, and everyone we meet are but a mirror to our own inner state of being. This is something that both intrigues and excites me with the scope of its implications…
Have you ever had one of “those” days? Everywhere you went people were rude or aggressive?  Are your public encounters often riddled with grumpy, disgruntled people who seem to hate their jobs or life in general? If the answer is yes, and we give weight to the idea of “mirroring”, we need to take inventory of our own inner conditions. Are we feeling aggressive, insecure, discouraged, disparaging, or annoyed? Try this experiment... The next time you encounter someone being difficult or sullen; send them your most earnest goodwill. Smile at them from that place in your heart where you understand that everyone has bad days. Show compassionate understanding for the fact that they are suffering from an all too familiar sense of discontentment. All the while consciously maintain a degree of cheer. If you keep your energy light, thoughtful, and positive, more often than not you will have rewarding public relations. And perhaps even bring a bit of joy to another's otherwise unremarkable day.
Each and every one of us wants to feel connected, loved, and acknowledged. Recognizing that the checkout lady or the person on the other end of the phone is just doing their job and may have a mountain of other stuff going on in their own hearts and minds, is instrumental in cultivating our own sense of kindness and consideration. It relates directly to the “do unto others” Golden Rule we all learned in Kindergarten. In fact, all human interaction can be broken down to this simplistic rudimentary understanding. Basically, you get what you give. The energy that we expel comes back to us in the form of people and circumstances that seem to be beyond our control. I am suggesting that a simple tweak in perception could alter our experiences to bring us more rewarding, fulfilling relations and circumstances.
Whether you have a vague awareness or a profound understanding of the connectedness of the universe, the fact is that we are all interconnected, part and parcel of the whole. Your thoughts and feelings do have an effect on your experiences. The more often you help another shift their feelings from low feelings of struggle into high feelings of kindness and appreciation, the more kindness and appreciation will inevitably come to you as well. I’m not talking about faking a smile and putting out a condescending air of superior jolliness. Or feigning contentment and joy while making others feel inadequate for having a crummy attitude. I’m talking about offering a truly genuine form of compassionate kindness that will resonate and be recognized by not only the person to whom it is offered, but by the energy of the universe as well. And, in theory will then be “mirrored” back at you. This is a practice in compassion.  Let’s see what happens when we stop treating the outside world as if it is somehow separate from ourselves, and begin to create and affect our own ultimate realities.


Friday, August 19, 2011


Patience. Oh Patience. How I covet thee. A wise person told me recently that the reason we shouldn’t pray for patience is because if we do, we will be given plenty of opportunities to practice just that… How true this seems and how difficult as well.
I am currently in the midst of one of those perfect practice opportunities. I managed to somehow fracture my ankle while WALKING, yes WALKING my dog. Nothing exciting happened, not even a hole in the road. I simply stepped wrong and rolled my ankle, resulting in an apparent fracture. So now, I am on crutches and off of my foot for who knows how long exactly. (Until further notice my Dr.’s note says.) I’d love to say that it gets easier every day, but it doesn’t. I feel myself growing more and more antsy. I don’t do needy. And here I am needing help with every little thing. Help with the housework, help with the children, help with the groceries… UGH!!!
I know I should take my cue from the universe and relinquish control a bit, allowing this time to serve its purpose. The purpose of which is obviously to humble me and help me recognize that I am simply incapable of handling everything all by myself all of the time and that it is alright to ask for help sometimes, in fact it is imperative.
Unfortunately my ego is SCREAMING! “This is NOT how we do things! NO! NO! NO! I DON’T WANT PATIENCE! I want independence! I want self sufficiency! I want! I want! I want!” And I whisper to it calmly, “Too bad.”  And I cajole it sweetly, “Shhh... This too shall pass.” And I breathe into my frustration and angst. And I calm my thoughts and try to see the greater picture. Nothing is so terribly wrong here. I am injured. I will heal. I focus my attention on this moment and try to allow it to be what it is, without my own judgments cast upon it. I catch myself speculating about the future, fretting over things that have yet to pass… I bring my attention back again and again to this moment and to the fact that now is now and then is yet to be.
Oh how I practice patience! I may not be an expert in patience, but I shall certainly become an expert in practice! So for now, I am here in this scenario and this is what I will do. Practice, practice, practice. I know from experience that it is precisely with-in these moments where we struggle to accept what is that we are actually doing the most in-depth work of the spirit. I will trust my spirit to guide me to the exact experience I am meant to be having.  And, although my conscious mind may not comprehend the extent of this moment’s worth, I have faith that something greater than my mind may be at work here. I offer this to you for your consideration. Perhaps you too are at a place where-in practice appears to be your only option. Perhaps, my situation can help you see the value of your own.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Consider this...

Love- give some. Compassion- have some. Respect- offer some. Kindness- distribute some. Sorrow- comfort some. Wisdom- gain some. Faith- trust some. Happiness- spread some. Ignorance- educate some. Responsibility- take some. Injury- heal some. Connections- increase some. Affection- offer some. Dreams- encourage some. Relationships- nurture some. Imagination- cultivate some. Consideration- bestow some. Beliefs- challenge some. Truth- share some. Reverence- consider some. Empathy- increase some. Beauty- appreciate some. Cruelty- dispel some. Conscience- heed some. Hate- eradicate some. Differences- accept some. Needs- meet some. Forgiveness- grant some. Tolerance- encourage some. Hope- increase some. Damage- undo some. Innocence- protect some. Violence- prevent some. Peace- demand some. Patience- practice some. Nature- respect some. Strength- build some. Purpose- define some. Change- create some. Mysteries- contemplate some. Equality- ensure some. Opportunity- seize some.  Darkness- enlighten some. Virtue- represent some. Perfection- recognize some. Awareness- raise some. Future- ensure some. Life- live some.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Transformative thinking...

One of life’s most difficult challenges for me (and many others I imagine) is allowing myself to feel unpleasant feelings. I STRUGGLE against them. I squirm and crawl and all but go insane! I despise feeling uncomfortable. Negative thoughts and feelings cause me a great deal of discomfort. I recognize on an intellectual level that there is a divine balance to life.  In fact, life is much like a spinning coin balanced precariously on its rim, with positive on one side and negative upon the other.  The important thing to remember is that one side of the coin cannot exist without the other. Allowing the negative to BE, embracing uncomfortable emotions and finding the value of their existence is critical, not only for survival, but in order to thrive.
I’m wondering if it is something like photography; the negative, must be exposed to light and then processed to create a positive image… This manner of thinking leads me to believe that the negative is not to be avoided or resented. There is no shame in recognizing sorrow’s existence. The multifaceted experience of life as we know it is something we take utterly for granted. We often, in our attempts to avoid sadness or darkness, miss the very depth of reality. Perhaps there is worth to be found in despair. Perhaps it is through the true acceptance and absorption of these emotions that we attain their opposite… It may be that we actually transmute ourselves through one state of being into the next. This may help to explain the state of the planet at this time. Atrocities on both personal and planetary levels seem extraordinarily heightened. We as a species may need to stop trying to evade or counter this phenomenon, but instead to incorporate it into ourselves in order to become aware that there is purpose in all things, including misery.
To forgive both ourselves and others our frailties and perceived weaknesses, to truly open our hearts and minds to the concept of “wholeness”.  Accepting fully that our purpose here is to live wholly and experience the entire range of humanity's capacities. Allowing for the possibility that perhaps there is power to be gained by leaving resistance behind and moving into a fully integrated state of being. Letting go of detrimental, judgmental thought processes that seek to segregate and displace our true capabilities. We might utilize the anguish and despondency to cultivate compassion. We may see the beauty and profound opportunities for connection shadowed within life’s tragedies. Compassionate living is the key to transformation. Through love and compassion, all things are possible. When our hearts go out to others… When we acknowledge our own need for compassion and understanding…  We are becoming something greater than we can ever imagine. So, the next time you or I find ourselves in a state of “negative” thinking may we have the strength and wisdom to offer up kindness and consideration for the divine purpose it might represent.

Sunday, July 17, 2011



Friday, July 1, 2011

Fresh Eggs...

At the bottom of our road just down the hill and around the corner, there is a large yellow house with a huge front porch, a yard filled with gardens and a chicken coup. This house has a sign hung on the railing of the side door entrance that says, Fresh Eggs. When the sign is facing outward, there are eggs for sale found just inside the door in the kitchen of this genial home.
I have lived here on this road for nearly ten years. I have spoken to the woman whose tender love and care has made the yellow house and yard so endearing. Yet, for some reason I had never stopped to buy the eggs. Upon moving back to the area with my family last month, a few things about New England living were must do’s, number one being, fresh eggs from the neighbor up the road...
So my girls and I have kept a close watch on the sign to see when it would be flipped informing us that there were “Fresh Eggs” to be had. This evening after dinner we walked down the road to the lovely yellow house and found that the sign was indeed facing out. My girls full of excitement skipped up the walk and we knocked and then proceeded to open the screen door. I could hear voices just out of sight and smell the familiar scent of cooking food. I thought briefly that I hoped we weren’t interrupting their dinner.
“Hello!” I called. “Knock, knock!?”
“Hello? Who’s there?”  Came a voice from the kitchen.  I stood in the entryway feeling a bit like an intruder and all at once eager and awkward about greeting the people to whom this home belonged.
“A neighbor.”  I answered. “We’re here for eggs?”
A kind looking woman came into the hall, followed by an older man with a gentle smile. They were of course, immediately taken with Emma and Abbie. Introductions and a short explanation of where we lived and how we’d moved away but were now back, took place. Although they appeared to have a guest for dinner, the man offered to let the girls “help” him feed the chickens. We happily followed him out to the chicken coup with our carton of fresh eggs in hand.  He and Emma poured feed into the feeder and spread some on the ground. Emma found two chicken feathers and then he opened a side door to reveal four nests and had the girls reach in and each take out two eggs! The first he put into his bucket, and the second he said was for them to keep.
“For breakfast in the morning,” he smiled.
We walked back to the kitchen door, filled with joyful wonder and appreciation, for the warm and welcoming people whom we are lucky enough to call neighbors, for the chickens for producing a bounty so rich and plentiful as to provide to an entire neighborhood, for the kind and generous way we were treated as friends and taught something new. I myself was feeling an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the opportunity to be here, in New England on this first day of July when the trees are lush and green and the wildflowers are in bloom. Where the air smells of life and the sun shines warmly through a canopy of leaves, where the crickets sing and the fireflies dance and the dew settles sweetly upon the grass… Elated and satiated by the endless, wondrous beauty of Nature as I know her. All decked out in her summer splendor.

Saturday, June 25, 2011


It takes a great deal of courage to find the strength to be vulnerable.
We often live behind a front of invulnerability and pretend as though we are impervious. We suffer from an unrealistic need to be self sufficient to such an extent as to need nothing from others. This is an unnatural state of being, and as such, it is ultimately impossible to sustain.  Human beings are creatures designed to rely upon the relationship and dynamic power of connectivity.  The ego’s tendency to convince us that we must “go it alone” or “handle it ourselves” is its shrewd way of manipulating and controlling our spirit. Our spirit’s true purpose is to realize its divine potential, to recognize our own limitless depth of possibility. True vulnerability is the key to this mystical door, opening our hearts to give and receive love. Admitting and embracing our own vulnerability is not easy. It challenges all that we’ve been taught about self-preservation. However, the strength gained by this type of awareness is profound. It releases you from the egoic prison in which you are now a hostage. How much pain and suffering could be prevented if we simply accepted that fact that we all need each other?
When we are hurting or feeling insecure, we see it as a character flaw, a weakness to overcome. This is not defect. This is our most amazing ability. This is an opportunity to move beyond the limited perspective of the ego and to have a truly powerful interaction with the universe. In this life, there is no one thing more remarkable than human connection. No other force known to man can accomplish so much with so little effort. The potential for unlimited magnificence lies right before our eyes, in the simplest of interactions between human beings.
We see vulnerability in babies and children, and we are intrinsically drawn to their liveliness, inspired despite ourselves, to soak up the pure energy exchange that is so inherent to their very nature. We recognize that need for others and accept it fully as a rite of passage into adulthood. Somewhere along the way we become convinced by our own ego that we should not need others, that if we are fully developed we will be able to stand on our own and should not require others to feel contentment. This is a grave misgiving. We should take a cue from the innocence that graces our world and recognize the joy and beauty that exists within the intimate connection between people.
We are social creatures, intended to work together in an intricate pattern of connections. We must be brave enough to embrace our true potential. We must declare our own nature and recognize the power that lies hidden in our own ability to love and be loved.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

The Path of Least Resistance...

Change is constant. Change is inevitable. Change is the one thing that never fails. Trying to hold something unchanged is the ultimate resistance. The path of least resistance is the hidden key to happiness. Relinquishing our unattainable need for control and allowing the current of change (life) to carry us is the only true way to get to our destination. Let go of the bank! Trust the flow! It only feels perilous because of our limited scope of awareness. If you resist the flow of life, it will batter you and leave you broken and bruised. If you allow it to carry you with grace and faith, you will wash up gently upon the shores of paradise.
We are all in a constant state of evolutionary change. Stagnation is detrimental to this process. Fear of the unknown keeps us from moving gracefully through the stages of our own enlightenment. Through faith in this process and relinquishment of the mistaken concept of setting one’s own course, we become master life captains by following the course that presents itself and navigating our vessel through unexpected waters with confidence and ease.
We are the purveyors of our own destinies; in so much as we are able to let the paths unfold around us… Then are we able to see the bigger picture, the greater realm of possibilities, not hindered by our own short sightedness. When we are in a state of compliance with what is, we are truly sailing upon the sea of existence rather than struggling to avoid being drowned by the all-powerful mysteries of the unknown.
Welcome change. Open your heart and your mind to the concept of allowance. Embrace change, and live fully. Let go of senseless fear.  ALLOW life to BE what it is. And in so doing, allow yourself to BE a part of it.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

A Poem called Truth...

My mind has been a torrent lately of thoughts and meanderings that are too complex to relate just yet. I haven't the skill to translate these thoughts into comprehendible, considerable, readable text. However, I remembered a poem I had written about five and a half years ago, that I’d like to offer for your contemplation...

In truth there simply has to be
A way to cause the world to see
From here we can not get to there
This place can only serve despair
Choices made and sides begot
Fear be fed and hatred taught
A distance furthered in between
Illusion wrapped up in a dream
Self inflicted pain and rage
Caught up in this twisted cage
Where heaven’s light doth barely seep
Lost from love in places deep
Children who deserve a life
Suffer through unending strife
All because we cannot see
Our false individuality
How is one worth more or less?
Based on where they lay their heads?
Until each mother’s safe and fed
And every child’s life is led
Until all people hold it true
That you are me and I am you
This downward spiral’s sure to spread
Leading to foul’s own sick end
And those who sadly can’t believe
In peace, love, and prosperity
Will continue on this evil trend
From fathers on to grandchildren
Damning us eternally
To live in false reality
Separation feeds the beast
Until the masses pray for peace
Seeking mercy fair and sweet
Alas in truth we’ll be set free

Thanks for reading today!

Sunday, April 3, 2011


When I was younger, a lot younger, almost 10 years ago now… I had a bout with some pretty intense anxiety. I suffered from panic attacks and irrational fears. I had obsessive thoughts, heart palpitations, irritability, depression, insomnia, difficulty breathing…  ANXIETY in all of its ugly, glorified splendor.
What triggered it is irrelevant in hindsight. What matters now is what I learned during that trying time. I began, while struggling to “survive” the scariest time I’d ever experienced, to “let go”. To stop struggling against what was and to actually release my death grip on control and allow what was happening to unfold without resistance. I discovered that resisting anxiety is like struggling in quicksand, it only brings you down faster. The only way out of that vicious cycle was to relax into it… Once I stopped “panicking” I found that I was able to “float” above the deadly quicksand… The trap was still there and depending upon how I dealt with it, I could still find myself entrenched in the muck. However, I’d caught a glimpse of something inexplicably useful. I’d found a tiny bit of surrender. That was the beginning of a lifetime of learning to “allow” what is to BE.
When I became pregnant with my second child, I was terrified at the prospect of giving birth. After the experience I’d had with my first born, I felt certain that I was going to panic and freak out. I’d been left traumatized by the sheer intensity of childbirth. That infinitely insane, overwhelmingly intense experience that nobody could ever be totally prepared for. I decided that I NEEDED to prepare. I convinced my husband that we needed to take Hypnobirthing classes. I practiced my visualizations, and learned to “allow” my body to do what it was meant to do without fear and resistance. I practiced deep relaxation and trust. I learned about the miraculous event of childbirth as a natural occurrence that needed not to be “managed” but experienced.  I learned how to breathe into the contractions and release all tension with my exhalations. I learned a great deal about “allowing” nature to take its course and unfold without the preconceived notion of any need to force. The lessons that I attained through Hypnobirthing have had infinite applications in my everyday life. It was yet another exercise in “letting go”.
Yoga for me is yet another lesson in this same concept… I find that it mirrors a lot of those ideas of strength through release. Finding my threshold of ability and then allowing it to BE. Breathing into a difficult position and then relaxing fully and allowing myself to become pliant and open to whatever sensation arises; recognizing that whatever I’m feeling in the moment is exactly what I am meant to be experiencing.  Through my yogic practice, I am furthering my understanding of the concept of accepting things as they are and not trying to “force” them into some other configuration to suit my needs. Finding the truth that what is in any given moment, is exactly suited to my needs of said moment.
This is something I aspire to everyday. Remembering to “breathe” into the uncomfortable and release it. Being present enough to relax into what IS and not trying to force it into something else but just to BE with the moment as it unfolds… Letting go of fear and a need for control. Utilizing these skills and applying them practically in my day to day experience. Difficulty, pain, and challenges are often great motivators for cultivating awareness and learning the fine art of BEING. I keep practicing. I keep learning.  Life is a challenge. The key then becomes embracing the challenge. Living and loving, not in spite of the challenge, but because of it.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Let it BE...

*Sigh*... I am finally breathing with an air of relief; after a long period of feeling as if I had been holding my breath…
We (my family and I) recently found ourselves in an unexpected and most uncertain situation. After relocating to Az. for a job, my husband’s chronic back condition unexpectedly made it impossible for him to continue working. This presented a whole list of questions and concerns as to where/how we should live, how we would get there, and what would be best… We were in limbo… A most frustrating place to be… Waiting for answers to arise from outside our own realm of decision making capacities…
I struggled with this scenario greatly; refusing to even discuss the situation with most everyone for fear of facing the full magnitude of insecurity, frustration, and utter uncertainty that these unanticipated, undesirable, conditions ignited within me. I found myself feeling utterly helpless in the wake of undetermined scenarios and completely unable to “do the right thing” while waiting for the undecided factors to play out and give us a course to set out upon... Have I mentioned that patience is not my strong suit? And that instability and uncertainty make me incredibly uncomfortable? (Duh!)
During this time of trial, I have tried to practice trust, and faith, and told myself (as has proven true time and time again) that all things happen for a reason, this too shall pass, and sometimes the path we cannot see is exactly the path upon which we are meant to travel… I tried to keep my energy and thoughts positive and focused on the here and now. I made a conscious effort to BE where I am fully, and tried wholeheartedly to “allow” the situation to unfold in due time. To let the cards fall as they may so to speak. However, during this time of “waiting” I was actually avoiding a large portion of the “now” which I was experiencing. I was fooling myself, and not truly being engaged in the “now”. I was not voicing my feelings of insecurity. I was not being honest with myself or others about my own inability to fix it all away. By avoiding discussing the details with my friends and loved ones, I was practicing a form of denial disguised as faith. It wasn’t true faith, for I was too afraid to face the actual situation for what it was and admit that I was not in any semblance of control.
I finally conceded to tell the children the details that we did know, as far as when and where we would be moving, how we would get there, and that as of now,(then) we were still uncertain where exactly we would be living upon arrival. I spoke to family members and told them all that I knew (questions and everything). I stopped resisting what was. I began to allow myself to feel the fullness of that moment, unanswered factors included instead of avoided. I practiced true faith in my own admittance of powerlessness. Within days the unanswered variables had been resolved. Our questions were answered. We finally have a plan! *Sigh*.
Sometimes we just need to get out of our own way in life. I’ve learned an important lesson about honesty, and true acceptance. Accepting the “unacceptable” aspects as well, and allowing them to BE. To "Let it BE". I think by resisting what was, I was blocking the way for what would be to come through! Lesson learned… This time anyway! J

Monday, March 21, 2011

A Shift...

Forgive me upfront, as I am about to go on a rant. You may or may not like what I have to say in this particular blog, in fact you might even disagree with me, which is your right. And for those of you, whose sense of self may feel threatened by my thoughts and suggestions, please believe that my intent upon writing this is not to cause anyone any distress. While I have the utmost respect for others and their beliefs, I am only “calling it like I see it” so to speak. This is my truth. I hope you can find some benefit from my sharing it with you.
I find myself grappling right now to understand, no, to even begin to comprehend a society in which a natural disaster can bring about a wave of humanity driven care and effort and then be followed immediately by destructive, violence driven tactics in another part of the world. How is there this disconnect when it comes to the value of a human life? Why is it that casualties of war are socially accepted while casualties of uncontrolled events are travesties???  Isn’t the idea of a civilized society to prevent unnecessary death and suffering?
I think people on this planet have forgotten the basic rule of human interaction… DO UNTO OTHERS. We teach our children, not to hit or act out of violence when they are upset and yet the adults who run this world act like unaware, undisciplined toddlers when it comes to negotiation and policy making. Where is the TOLERANCE? I am not suggesting that we allow people to be massacred or oppressed and stand idly by while others are abused; but honestly what are we accomplishing by fighting? As long as we are willing as a race of humans to take it to that level and “fight” it out, there will always be “a reason”. It is time for a shift in how we cope with adversity. Nay it is waaayyy past time. It is bordering upon too late.
If what we need as a society is to get to a certain point where we stop and say “ENOUGH”! This is not who we choose to BE. Then I for one say that time is now! Look at this Earth, look at the consequences of our unbalanced society. Look at the way nature is reacting to our ignorance. We can not as a species stop killing ourselves and our planet… We poison our water… our air… our food…  We strive for material comforts and distractions all the while turning a blind eye to the grave injustices that make it possible for the few to have much and the many to have little.
Until the people begin to recognize that we are all connected, the Earth and all of Her people.  Until we begin to make decisions based upon the well being of ALL, this terrible imbalance we’ve created will only magnify, and multiply until the entire planet literally expires under the strain of intemperance and unawareness. When we begin to truly see that what happens on the other side of the world happens to us as well, when the illusion of separatism begins to dissipate, we will no longer be able to fool ourselves with temporal reassurance and diversion. We will be forced to see the truth, that what we do to others so too do we do unto ourselves. And perhaps, maybe... if we shift our perspective fully and soon enough we may have a chance to create a true family of humanity and experience a greater joy and peace than we have ever imagined.
In every moment in all of your personal dealings try to keep this in mind. Try to give the love and consideration that you’d like to receive and not get caught up in the I/me/mine mentality that nourishes this dysfunctional situation. Keep your focus on the light, give it your attention and together we can overcome the darkness. We can as Gandhi says, “Be the change”.

Monday, March 14, 2011


It’s summer here. Well, at least it feels like summer (to me) here. Cool in the morning, blazing by noon. The birds are chirping excitedly as the sun comes up…
 I have skipped right over spring fever and have been flung headlong, straight into summer mania! I am finding myself assaulted by tangible summertime associations. I can smell the morning dew, taste the watermelon, feel the refreshing sensation of a dip in lake water… I can hear the cricket’s endless song in my mind… The tree frogs serenading an evening filled with fireflies and the lingering smell of dinnertime barbeques… The sound of distant radios and laughter, the clinking of ice in sweating glasses filled with something light and fruity to drink… The scent of suntan lotion, and bug spray, Skin So Soft, and chlorine pool water… Sweet, sticky babies and children all drippy from ice cream cones and popscicles…
Mmmmm…  Summertime…  Nostalgia at its very, very, best. I will smile all day just thinking of this. J

Friday, March 11, 2011


Mothers (and women in general) feel pressured to be perfect. To keep perfect homes, perfectly behaved children, perfect hair, perfect bodies, and perfect relationships with their “perfect” husbands…
Most of the time we go around keeping up a perfection façade; rarely allowing even those closest to us to see that we struggle with all of the same issues. That perhaps our homes are messy  (disastrous even), or we run out of patience and yell at our children, or that we don’t buy all organic food, or we do or we don’t vaccinate, or we argue with our husbands or we feel disappointments, frustrations, fear, sadness, uncertainty, selfishness, unappreciated, inadequate, inept… That we doubt ourselves and look to those around us for clues on how to be “normal”.
We are all in this together; learning as we go. The most wonderful gift you can give to yourself and others is to acknowledge your flaws, to be open and honest about your struggles. Share your experiences with your girl friends, your acquaintances, allow the women in your life to know that you are not perfect, that you struggle with your own burdens. When we go around presenting a false persona of perfection, it creates a dangerous atmosphere in which we are constantly comparing, competing, and judging ourselves and others. It breeds bitter rivalry, gossip, and all sorts of unkindness toward our fellow mothers and all of womankind. Offering compassion to ourselves and others is the key to being happy and secure in our own skin. Being strong enough to portray vulnerability and honest enough to admit our own imperfections. Asking for help and seeking out opportunities to share even our ugly truths with others will liberate our spirits, build interconnectedness, and strengthen us as mothers/women; making us better wives, mothers, sisters and friends …
When we stop exuding insurmountable amounts of energy into the upkeep of an erroneous pretense of perfection, we can begin to put that energy to good use. Utilizing that energy instead, to strengthen our relationships, cultivate our talents, recognize our strengths, and to give that liberation to others. The next time you see a mom or a woman friend, try to see the beauty behind the façade. The flaws that make her human, that make her just like you. And remember if she hides those flaws or tries to appear flawless that is just her defense mechanism against a society of image conscious, media induced, perfection mongers. Offer her thoughts of peace and strength. Send her consideration and understanding with a smile. Recognize that she is just like you in her own way. Our individualism is what makes us special, and our sameness is what connects us. It is time for honesty, openness, and a new level of bravery to emerge.  We are not each others adversaries or competitors we are each others strength. Give the support and consideration you’d wish to receive and reap the benefits of compassion and truth.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

An Excavation...

A blank page, an open slate, a place to lay my thoughts to rest. Yet where to start and what to say? Some thoughts are too deep and buried to make their way to paper. I struggle with concepts and ideas that plague my mind, that I wish to convey in eloquent meanderings for your appreciation. So here goes; excavating some “deep” thoughts…
Sometimes life challenges us. It shakes us up, and spins us round. Sometimes it masticates us, chews us up and spits us out.  Life has a way of shirking our expectations, and overhauling our plans. Often times in life you’ll find yourself in a position you never expected to encounter. Faced with circumstances you’d never have chosen, given opportunities to practice either, patience, acceptance and faith, or resentment, frustration, and sorrow.
Life often leads down dark and unsavory avenues. We find ourselves cornered sometimes in narrow, seemingly inescapable alleyways. Life is said to be full of choices, but there are moments in life when choices are made for you, and there simply aren’t a whole lot of options to consider. Times where all you can do is make the best of a bad situation. Find the silver linings in the everyday moments that make up your circumstances. Remember to be joyful even though you have every reason to be distraught. To find the balance between control (or lack there of) and trust; trust in the purpose of all things. Trust in the unknown… the unseen… the unfathomable.
 It is vital to take the time to appreciate the little things that bring a smile to our faces and make us glad to be alive, even if we feel overwhelmingly put upon or strained. Times that seem hopeless are meant to cultivate hope. In times of darkness we are being reminded to seek out the light. Lightheartedness, lightmindedness, lightbeingness. (Yes, I’m making up words again!) In every situation everyday there is something to be grateful for… thankful for… glad about. Something as trivial as the sun shining, the taste of a favorite food, a child’s contagious laughter, or a stranger’s friendly smile can bring a balance to our moments of fear and uncertainty. And perhaps, with much practice and time spent noticing and cultivating those moments, we can tip the scales. So that when we are faced with trials and tribulations we can draw upon that strength of character we have been nourishing, we can see the good through the bad and even come to value the challenges for the appreciation they foster.
When we are faced with uncertainty, fear, and doubt, when our situations challenge, defeat, and dismay us, when we feel considerable anxiety and worry, when we have no choice or don’t embrace the choices we do have.  That is the moment when we can be certain that we are being reminded, to alter our focus; to really immerse ourselves in the depths of life’s ocean. To allow its current to carry us to the places we would never find on our own. In order to grow and strengthen our spirits; creating within us the resilience and recognition necessary to truly embrace the full extent of this amazing, frightening, rewarding, beautiful, heart wrenching, indescribable adventure.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

The Other Day...

My husband had a pain management procedure done on Tuesday. Thanks in great part to some wonderful new friends; I was able to be with him for this one.
I went to the hospital, sat in the waiting room, and held his hand while he waited to be called in. We’ve done this before, many times before, though this isn’t something I’ve done in quite some time. With three children, Dr.’s appointments are usually solo excursions whenever possible, and to be honest with his chronic medical condition there is no way I could accompany him to every appointment nor would I want to. This one felt different. This was a new (to us) procedure to “burn” the nerves in his back which are likely the cause of a great deal of his pain and discomfort. So I wanted to be with him, because I knew he was scared, and I knew he was hopeful, and I knew he needed me to be.
After meeting the nurse, the anesthesia prep person, and the Dr., having a chance to voice my concerns and ask my questions, I was pleasantly directed to the waiting room while my husband was escorted to the place where the anesthesiologist (“Dr. Feelgood” as he likes to refer to him) would meet him and give him something to keep him calm and make him “comfortable” while they inserted three needles into his back and basically micro-waved the nerve endings.
As I sat in the waiting room trying to no avail to read, a man in his early fifties came out of the examination area. I watched as he leaned his small figure on his cane and made his way gingerly across the room to the nearest chair, lowering himself into it with great strain and effort. I watched him close his eyes and grit his teeth against the spasms of pain that wracked his body. I saw the goose-bumps on his arms and the death grip he held on the handle of his cane. I heard the hiss of his breath as he struggled not to cry out loud in agony. In a moment I saw all of these things, and I recognized them. I’d seen my own husband in that sorry state more times than I care to recount. And in that moment I found myself moving closer to this man (whose name I later learned was Joe) and gently placing my hand upon his shoulder in hopes of offering some minuscule amount of comfort to ease his obvious distress. I imagined in that short interlude that he was someone I cared about very much and I longed to ease his suffering with the strength of my love. He spoke of how “they” sometimes hit just the right spot with the injections, and the “moment” was over. I took my hand from upon his shoulder and we passed the rest of our time comparing “treatment” stories, his and my husband’s. A woman and her grown daughter joined us and we all chatted lightly while waiting for whatever each one of us was sent to wait for…
When my own loved one came through the door into the waiting area, I was happy to see him. Anxious to touch him, love him, and comfort him. As we were slowly making our way out to the elevator and then the parking lot, the mother, and then downstairs, the daughter with whom I had been chatting both said goodbye to me, and smiled and offered best wishes for the day. My husband laughed and said “You’ve been making friends?” Yeah, I said. “Of course you have.” he said.
I wound up being glad that I chose to go along for this particular appointment. It left me with a sense of purpose, and an overwhelming urge to give loving energy out to everybody I meet. I have no idea how to apply that yet to my everyday life, but it was none the less gratifying and inspirational. An experience I won’t soon forget.


Thursday, February 24, 2011


With so much negativity in the world it is often times incredibly difficult to maintain a positive attitude. When faced with injustice and tragedy, it can seem impossible to remain loving and hopeful; to believe in the beauty of humanity; to train our focus on the good in life and to send that energy out to every place where it appears to be lacking.
When we see or hear of a grave misfortune, be it brought about by natural disaster or by human negligence, or cruelty even, allowing ourselves to become distraught, angry, hopeless or hateful will only add fuel to the raging negativity inferno. You can not fight fire with fire. You will only create more flame. Taking that negative situation and imagining it filled with hope, love, and promise is the only way to heal the afflictions of an unbalanced world.
Pay attention to the way you process the world around you. How often do you find yourself feeling discouraged or wrought with worry? How many times have you born witness to something atrocious and found yourself reacting with guttural aggression? We have the ability to raise our energy to a level beyond “good” and “bad”. To recognize that in reality there is only love and that all low lying emotions are brought about by fear, and all fear is in reality, the absence of love. Every situation that we encounter in which we find ourselves reacting out of fear, we can immediately go within our hearts and send out as much love and compassion as we can muster. We can heal our hearts, our minds, our relationships, and ultimately our world.
Hate will not trump hate. It will only foster hatred in your heart. If love is what you desire to cultivate, you must practice loving. Not just those you deem worthy, but all of life. Find love for every facet of existence and broadcast that love into the universe with your every thought, deed, and action. Buddha says, "Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."  And in the words of Christ, “Love your enemies.”
If you are in need of love, give more love to others. If you desire to have more happiness, give more happiness to others. If peace is what you crave, be an example of peace in your life. “Be the change you wish to create in the world” –Ghandi.
These truths are not new thoughts; they are not some radically liberal hippie mumbo jumbo. This is the greatest lesson ever taught; LOVE IS the answer. Try it out for yourself, in the face of any uncertainty, apply this truth and see if it doesn’t transform your experience! LOVE IS the answer.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011


I have always loved that feeling of truly connecting with others; finding people who come to feel like a part of you.  Recognizing a part of yourself within them, and allowing the connection to help shape and form who you will become.
I have been blessed in life to have some of the best friends one could hope for. They have loved me, and known me, listened to me, and encouraged me. They have given me the best and worst of themselves and received the best and worst of me in return. And through it all they have loved me and been loved by me, no holds barred.  Friends are our chosen family. Given, found by, sought out, introduced to, us; and held onto with great vehemence. Cherished beyond words.
I have currently had the opportunity to cultivate even more true friendships. To supplement my already abundant supply with yet some more wonderful, irreplaceable, irrevocable, irresistible relationships.
Finding that sense of camaraderie that intrinsic union between like minded individuals, sharing a sense of humor, wit, or set of values, creates an impenetrable bond. Sometimes, just finding in someone something so irresistibly attractive, a quality you covet or adore, and wanting to simply be close to this person in order bring some of their natural essence into yourself. To bask in and reflect the light they bring unto the world.
Friends charge your spirit. They fill you with joy, and abundance. The honesty and compassion we give and receive from our friendships are examples of the divine capabilities that we as humans possess. The capacity to support and encourage one another; to inspire and energize each other, to uplift, accept and love each other unconditionally. Sharing a smile, a thought, an inside joke… Knowing each other better than others know us, needing each other to feel complete…
Friendships come in all shapes and sizes, but they are always recognizable. They are relationships you simply can not imagine your life without. They may go years without being maintained, but when you reconnect there they are, right where you left off. Or they may be with you always, through every up and down, you may disagree, argue, challenge each other, but they are always there, truly a part of yourself, inseparable from who you are.
Friends bring a smile to your heart. They increase your joy, hope, health and happiness. Friends connect your spirit with the oneness of all things. Friendships are priceless. If you are a friend of mine you know it.  Unequivocally you know without a doubt that I love you for who you are and what you give to me just by your simple existence in my life. With much love and gratitude I thank my friends for their inimitable presence. I wouldn’t be me without you.

Saturday, February 19, 2011


I can feel myself slipping into what I refer to as “numb” mode. It’s what I call that time when life feels so uncertain and out of my control that I just have to “Let go” and allow things to unfold. In order to do that and avoid feelings of fear and anxiety, I tend to “go numb”. Unfortunately that numbness isn’t something I can control; it affects not only my negative feelings, but my positive ones as well.
I’d like to put a sunny spin on it and say that I am just so Zen and confident about the future that I have no need for worry. I’d like to say it is just my resounding faith that gives me this sense of calm in the face of adversity… However I realize that while I do have a great deal of faith, and am a firm believer in the age old adage: “All things happen for reason”, an inordinate amount of uncertainty wreaks havoc upon my otherwise accepting nature. And in a desperate attempt to protect myself I tend to shut down. I stop experiencing things fully. I put a barrier up between my heart and the external world.
Now and again something remarkable will lift me out of the numbness and I will have overwhelming emotional connections to my present moment and the people around me. Those moments are the most priceless gifts. Those are the moments I aspire to create with all of my being. That is the place I long to reside within, the place where life touches me, and I touch back, fully engrossed by the experience.
Allowing life to take its course while still being fully present in the moment to moment is a constant challenge. It presents an endless contest in which I have to balance my need for security with my belief in the rightness of all things. At the same time remembering that all the while I worry or detach, I am actually missing the experience that is unfolding around and within me.
This is why I regularly try to examine and express the extraordinary details of the everyday. The intricate, colorful, lively details that make up life and all of its miraculous splendor. The joy… The sorrow… The laughter… The tears… The excitement... The uncertainty… The love… The fear…  The truly incomprehensible elements of the human condition. The all encompassing phenomenon that we are sharing here upon this Earth.
So in order to quell my inner “numbness” and immerse myself in the vast spiritual sea of existence, I will stop and notice. I will share my observations and my emotional responses with you. And in so doing perhaps I will remember to see and feel for myself as well. Thank you for being a part of my journey and for allowing me to be a part of yours.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011


Do I blog with this quiet moment or do I make a cup of chamomile tea and settle myself under a blanket to read or knit or watch a sappy movie?
Do I have anything earth shatteringly important to say tonight? I’m certain that given the blessed quiet and the peaceful “alone” time I could spark up some at least remotely witty, unquestionably relatable, ultimately personal piece of heartfelt wisdom and consideration that would leave us all feeling warm and fuzzy and intimately connected to each other and the universe… But, much as I love you and want to give that to each of us in turn, I can’t summon the energy tonight to turn life’s overwhelming emotions into eloquence.
Tonight I will contain all of these thoughts, sentiments, and images within my heart and let them rest until they settle into the perfect configuration to share. Until I am overwhelmed with communicative lucidity and an undeniable urge to write, at which time I will open the gate allowing my truth to spill forth unto all who do me the honor of reading my meager little blog. For now though, I will make my tea, tuck my oldest daughter into bed, curl up in the silence and bid you all a goodnight!

Friday, February 11, 2011


Mothers get tired and sad and frustrated.
Mothers need love and affection and gratitude.
Mothers run out of patience and strength and empathy.
Mothers need to “recharge” themselves when their energy gets low.
Mothers feel unappreciated and overworked and unrecognized.
Mothers need consideration and compassion and understanding.
Mothers work 24/7 to provide everything to everybody.
Mothers need downtime and fun time and “me” time.
Mothers are giving and guiding and nurturing.
Mothers need direction and encouragement and sustenance.
Mothers are strong and dedicated and vigilant.
Mothers need resonance and friendship and camaraderie. 
Mothers hold hands and wipe tears and kiss away boo -boos.
Mothers need reassurance and assistance and support.
Mothers smile when they feel like crying and laugh when they want to scream and routinely sacrifice their comfort for the comfort of those they love.
This is for all of the wonderful “Mothers” I have the honor of knowing, and with whom I am navigating this treacherous journey through the often lonely, ever rewarding, sometimes dismal, undeniably lovely territory known as motherhood. I honor all of you ladies for your courage, strength, generosity and determination. I am so thankful to have so many inspirational, encouraging, beautiful mother friends. So glad to have you all to share this experience with! We are not alone. We are all together!
All together now… (All together now) All together now…