Tonight I steal the moments I need to sit quietly by myself. In a softly lit room, I sit in the glow of the computer screen. Knowing that if I take the time to write, I will find something. Something that is hidden somewhere within me that is longing, no insisting to come out. Like a child in winter, cooped up behind closed doors and windows finally getting outside to run and burst and play! When I start these posts I never quite know where they will take me, and yet I start out without a map or a destination and let the thoughts carry me where they will.
I am thinking about time today. How elusive it is really. How we buy it and sell it and earn it and burn it, all the while never really holding it at all. Time is a conceptualization. How we perceive it determines so much of our lives. If we fear time and its confines, we become like proverbial “white rabbits” always late, always running to and fro and never really getting anywhere at all. If we go to the opposite extreme and disregard time, we become nonfunctional, unable to perform within society’s margins.
I struggle with time all the time (pun intended I guess!). Feeling pressured to make the most of my time, to best utilize every second so that I can eventually relax. Later. When everything is finally all done. When the house is clean and the children are played with and stimulated and thoroughly entertained, fed, primped, taught and nurtured… When my chore list is wiped clean and my craft list is at least commenced. When I have exercised, read, watched some quality programming, spent time with friends, loved ones and my husband … When I have baked and cleaned up and enjoyed the fruits of my labors. When I have written something amazing that speaks for my soul and tells the world who I am and what I want to say… Then I can sit back and relax. Then I can really feel the beauty of my life.
The irony is not lost me I assure you. And while I recognize that the time I spend doing all those wonderful things IS THE BEAUTY of my life, still I sometimes forget. I forget to be in the moment, whether that moment consists of gratifying experiences or tedious ones. I would do well to remember that this moment, right now really IS all I will ever have. Does that mean I should blow off the dishes in order to listen to Pandora and write a thought provoking blog? Or miss dinner on one of my few nights off in order to go to yoga and satisfy my own selfish need for space? Does that mean I should shut myself in my bedroom, read, take a walk, a drive, a shower in order to reclaim my time? Does it mean I should laugh and play and romp about with my children even though we all have multiple things that could (should?) get done? Does it mean I schedule dates with my friends and insist that we make time to connect? Does it mean that I give my husband my undivided attention and listen to him tell me what he’s been thinking about today?
Yes. Irrevocably, the answer to all these questions is YES. Time is a fickle friend. But I need to reconnect with her on a new and more adjusted level. I am tired of chasing my tail and feeling like I always come up short. I will write when I can. Play when I wish. Work when I must. Cook when I will. Live while I’m living and recognize the profundity of each day’s moments. I will celebrate time in all of its infinite glory and make the most of it while it’s mine to make. I will sing, laugh, dance, share, learn, hope, cry, give, and LOVE my moments away! The time that has been bestowed upon me will not be wasted. My life is my legacy, my history my story and I intend to live it fully, with presence and gratitude every second of every day. Except when I don’t. When I forget and find myself caught in the web of “have tos” and “must dos” I will come back and remember that at least for tonight I found it. That place where I know that everything I do is lucrative and creative, and unequivocally mine. That I needn’t fight for my time. It’s mine and it always has been. And so, being mine, it is my great pleasure to share it with you.