Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Let it BE...

*Sigh*... I am finally breathing with an air of relief; after a long period of feeling as if I had been holding my breath…
We (my family and I) recently found ourselves in an unexpected and most uncertain situation. After relocating to Az. for a job, my husband’s chronic back condition unexpectedly made it impossible for him to continue working. This presented a whole list of questions and concerns as to where/how we should live, how we would get there, and what would be best… We were in limbo… A most frustrating place to be… Waiting for answers to arise from outside our own realm of decision making capacities…
I struggled with this scenario greatly; refusing to even discuss the situation with most everyone for fear of facing the full magnitude of insecurity, frustration, and utter uncertainty that these unanticipated, undesirable, conditions ignited within me. I found myself feeling utterly helpless in the wake of undetermined scenarios and completely unable to “do the right thing” while waiting for the undecided factors to play out and give us a course to set out upon... Have I mentioned that patience is not my strong suit? And that instability and uncertainty make me incredibly uncomfortable? (Duh!)
During this time of trial, I have tried to practice trust, and faith, and told myself (as has proven true time and time again) that all things happen for a reason, this too shall pass, and sometimes the path we cannot see is exactly the path upon which we are meant to travel… I tried to keep my energy and thoughts positive and focused on the here and now. I made a conscious effort to BE where I am fully, and tried wholeheartedly to “allow” the situation to unfold in due time. To let the cards fall as they may so to speak. However, during this time of “waiting” I was actually avoiding a large portion of the “now” which I was experiencing. I was fooling myself, and not truly being engaged in the “now”. I was not voicing my feelings of insecurity. I was not being honest with myself or others about my own inability to fix it all away. By avoiding discussing the details with my friends and loved ones, I was practicing a form of denial disguised as faith. It wasn’t true faith, for I was too afraid to face the actual situation for what it was and admit that I was not in any semblance of control.
I finally conceded to tell the children the details that we did know, as far as when and where we would be moving, how we would get there, and that as of now,(then) we were still uncertain where exactly we would be living upon arrival. I spoke to family members and told them all that I knew (questions and everything). I stopped resisting what was. I began to allow myself to feel the fullness of that moment, unanswered factors included instead of avoided. I practiced true faith in my own admittance of powerlessness. Within days the unanswered variables had been resolved. Our questions were answered. We finally have a plan! *Sigh*.
Sometimes we just need to get out of our own way in life. I’ve learned an important lesson about honesty, and true acceptance. Accepting the “unacceptable” aspects as well, and allowing them to BE. To "Let it BE". I think by resisting what was, I was blocking the way for what would be to come through! Lesson learned… This time anyway! J

1 comment:

  1. Sara, time and time again...I find myself jealous of you and your strength! I love you!