Wednesday, February 9, 2011

A Crummy Day...

I have been so grumpy today; wallowing in feelings of frustration and inadequacy. Feeling overwhelmed with piddly little irritants that have ganged up on me this week.
 I know in my heart that it truly does not matter if my house is a complete disaster area, or that nobody seems to care or notice except for me. I know that being an uber- organized, couponing, labeling, super mom is pretty much out of my realm of possibility. I know that it is RIDUCULOUS to be upset about an endless mess that just grows and grows day in and day out. I know that I have so many reasons to just be happy. Logically I know that I am so unbelievably blessed and have soooo much to be thankful for, and yet… I find myself in a fowl, disgusting, unproductive, self deprecating mood, which seems in great part due to the endless crumbs, toys, dust, dishes, laundry, paper, and bits and  pieces of who knows what that litter my home and my life.
Today has been one of those days when I’ve felt that no matter how much effort I put into tackling my “to do” list it only grows longer by the minute. For each thing I accomplish I see ten more waiting for me to get to them, laughing and taunting me with their sticky, dirty, unabashed displays of utter disarray.
Someone said to me once, “You make it look so easy…” (i.e. being a SAHM) Well it isn’t easy. And just because I like to bake, and knit, and hang my children’s art all over my house does not make me any more proficient than anyone else. I have days when I am not patient, not playful, not pleasant, not positive and not fair. Days when I despise my own petulance and wish for everyone’s sake that I would just GO AWAY! Take my outrageous annoyance and go shove it where the sun don’t shine!
Because the truth is, mess and all, I have a beautiful life. I have so much to be grateful for, so much more than so many others. I am trying now, as I type, to simply be grateful for this thought and not berate myself for my lapse in appreciation! I have a husband who loves me. Three beautiful, healthy, exuberant daughters. A roof over my head. Food on my table. Clothes on my back. The most amazing friends and family to turn to whenever I feel myself forgetting who I am and what is important to me. I have faith. I have strength. I have inspiration and opportunity. I have more than I need and plenty to share. I have my strengths and my weaknesses. I have good days and bad days, but I am overall so incredibly gratified to be on this crazy, messy, turbulent, unpredictable ride called life. And crummy days are just a great reminder to be more aware and not take any of it for granted.

1 comment:

  1. sara, i just placed my fussy, teething baby on a crumby floor so i could write this. every day, when i sweep the mess off the kitchen floor, i think of you and of visiting you in northfield before julian was born. you were packing, abbie was home, and you were also sweeping your kitchen floor while chatting with me and my sister. all the while, you cooked me one of the most delicious egg sandwiches i have ever had in my life. you did make it look easy, despite the boxes lining your kitchen and half packed rooms. your attitude, honest and upbeat, is part of that. but letting yourself have grumpy times and acknowledging them is also a big part of it. i also struggle with the chaos and mess of my house. i long for the days that i can have you over to visit my CLEAN perfect house, but by then we will probably be wondering what our kids are up to and when they are going to call us from college to say hello! love ya!