I can feel myself slipping into what I refer to as “numb” mode. It’s what I call that time when life feels so uncertain and out of my control that I just have to “Let go” and allow things to unfold. In order to do that and avoid feelings of fear and anxiety, I tend to “go numb”. Unfortunately that numbness isn’t something I can control; it affects not only my negative feelings, but my positive ones as well.
I’d like to put a sunny spin on it and say that I am just so Zen and confident about the future that I have no need for worry. I’d like to say it is just my resounding faith that gives me this sense of calm in the face of adversity… However I realize that while I do have a great deal of faith, and am a firm believer in the age old adage: “All things happen for reason”, an inordinate amount of uncertainty wreaks havoc upon my otherwise accepting nature. And in a desperate attempt to protect myself I tend to shut down. I stop experiencing things fully. I put a barrier up between my heart and the external world.
Now and again something remarkable will lift me out of the numbness and I will have overwhelming emotional connections to my present moment and the people around me. Those moments are the most priceless gifts. Those are the moments I aspire to create with all of my being. That is the place I long to reside within, the place where life touches me, and I touch back, fully engrossed by the experience.
Allowing life to take its course while still being fully present in the moment to moment is a constant challenge. It presents an endless contest in which I have to balance my need for security with my belief in the rightness of all things. At the same time remembering that all the while I worry or detach, I am actually missing the experience that is unfolding around and within me.
This is why I regularly try to examine and express the extraordinary details of the everyday. The intricate, colorful, lively details that make up life and all of its miraculous splendor. The joy… The sorrow… The laughter… The tears… The excitement... The uncertainty… The love… The fear… The truly incomprehensible elements of the human condition. The all encompassing phenomenon that we are sharing here upon this Earth.
So in order to quell my inner “numbness” and immerse myself in the vast spiritual sea of existence, I will stop and notice. I will share my observations and my emotional responses with you. And in so doing perhaps I will remember to see and feel for myself as well. Thank you for being a part of my journey and for allowing me to be a part of yours.